Make your own Tory boy

A secret document smuggled out of Essex Conservative Party headquarters reveals, in fact, MPs are quite expert at DIY. So good they actually know how to construct ... other Tory MPs.

This is not as difficult as it might sound, though of course it is horrendously expensive.

So if you want to try it for yourself, have your Inland Revenue tax return at hand which is the way to pay for it.

The instructions are contained in the Essex War Book, a confidential handbook issued to Conservative Party activists throughout Essex.

The entire document runs to thousands of words, which is why stress counsellors have been taking so many calls from photocopy clerks recently.

However, the Gazette has pared the document down to a series of simple step-by-step instructions for domestic use. Each paragraph also lists a core ingredient for brewing our Tory MP, who we will call Mr Deep-Blue.

Note at the outset the use of the three-letter-word in the title, Essex War Book.

This is a manual for electioneering, a supposedly peaceful activity.

But terms like campaign booklet are far too mild for creating a satisfactory Tory MP.

Mr Deep-Blue must have fire in his belly, and direct it at political opponents with a ferocity that makes the Daleks look like flower power people on wheels.

INGREDIENT 1 - FIRE IN THE BELLY For breathing, snacking, setting fire to Labour candidates’ speech papers etc.

Next step, according to the manual, is for the MP to acquire a dash of youth.

The 18-23 age group could tilt the balance at the election.

So all MPs, even 90-year-old Fathers of the House, must possess a side that appeals to youth and should ideally have their navels pierced.

The Essex War Book advises campaigners against “getting down with the kids”, but says Tories need to “to be interested”, “avoid stunts” and talk to youthful types “in simple everyday language they will understand.”

Basically this means giving anyone under 24 an accurate high five and saying: “Yo man.”

Mr Deep-Blue should avoid liquid lunches before doing this, because if he misses and slaps his youth in the eye, he will drive them into the arms of Labour.

“Avoidance of stunts” presumably means prospective MPs should avoid doing parkour displays or break dancing, even for publicity.

Broken bones don’t look good for a Tory MP. At a time when the the party is talking about “greater efficiencies is in the health service” he could come out of the casualty department with more broken bones than when he went in.

INGREDIENT 2 - THE YOUTH EFFECT Youth effect aerosol and moisturiser, available at Boots, on expenses of course, at £17.99. Finally, your DIY MP must be programmed to handle the media. He must treat journalists “as professionals, no matter how local or amateur” he “might think them”.

He should: “Try not to fulfil their stereotype of an arrogant politician,” for example, by wearing a hygienic face-mask when talking to them, or shoving them into his moat if they ask an awkward question.

INGREDIENT 3 - EXIST FOR ELECTIONS Arm-sling and and neck brace to evoke sympathy when on TV, superglue to stop smile from drooping on camera, crate of strong lager to transfer smile to face of journalist.

Follow these instructions carefully and you will cook up a serviceable Tory MP.

Just dress him in pinstripes and stick him in your window as a status symbol.

Or if you live in a Labour stronghold you can keep him handy to frighten the kids on Hallowe’en. There is one final item in the Essex War Book that deserves mention.

It is the very first line, and it amounts to an extraordinary confession. “The Conservative Party,” writes Valerie Metcalfe, Essex area chairman, “exists only to win elections.”

No mention, observe, of representing the people or running the country. So there you have it.

Once the election is won, no further action is required from Mr Deep-Blue until the next election. He can spend the entire term of Government asleep on the House of Commons back-benches.

Ingredients: pillow, hot water bottle, bedsocks (blue, of course).