Christmas can be a ticking timebomb for separated parents.

Like any parent, the importance of spending Christmas Day with their children is utmost in their minds.

But when they are no longer living with the other parent, problems can - and often do - arise.

For many, compromise is the best solution for both sides, and the children.

Others, however, are still dealing with so much anger when it comes to their ex that a calm discussion about children and Christmas is out of the question.

So much for the season of goodwill.

"Some parents do fail to put their children first and that is when it gets very bitter," explained Nigel Humphreys, family partner at Fisher Jones Greenwood solicitors in Colchester.

In extreme cases this means lawyers, the courts and expensive legal bills.

Leading up to Christmas, the family courts are inundated with separated/ divorced parents who are fighting for their children to spend Christmas Day with them.

As a parent himself, Mr Humphreys understands the heartache Christmas can cause.

"That first Christmas must be very sad when a parent wakes up on Christmas morning and does not have their children there.

"It is a very emotional time," he stressed.

However, if both parents sort out the Christmas issue way in advance - deciding to have their children on alternate Christmases is a popular option - the tension of this time of year can be allayed.

The 1989 Chidren's Act changed the terminology relating to children whose parents separate.

Custody is now called residence and access has changed to contact.

The factors pushing this change included the recogniton that parents did not "own" their children - which the term "custody" implied - and that fathers increasingly want to take a more active parenting role after separation.

"Dads are becoming much more vociferous," explained Mr Humphreys.

warring "And they are not happy about being treated as second-class citizens."

But making late demands, not requests, to see their children over Christmas can lead to friction and inevitably lead to parents behaving badly, simply because they don't want to lose face in a battle with their ex.

Thinking of what is best for the children, stressed Mr Humphreys, is more likely to resolve the issue between warring parents, even if it does mean one side will have to swallow a little pride.

His aim is to always get parents to resolve their differences over Christmas without resorting to going before a judge.

Essex charity Parentline Plus gets thousands of calls to its 24-hour national Parentline from separated parents, who are struggling to make contact and relations with an ex work over the Christmas period.

"Christmas can be a pressure point for separated parents, especially if relations aren't good." says Liz Ward, of Parentline Plus.

"It is important that parents can be supported to find a way of communicating and working together for the sake of the children.

"Christmas can be an especially poignant time for children who are reminded that their family life has changed."

Parentline Plus urges parents to negotiate the time spent with their children over Christmas and to involve children in the plans.

"It's not just what's convenient for the parents - children need to be happy with the arrangements too," she said.

HELPFUL TIPS

Charity Parentline Plus has the following tips for families who have undergone change this Christmas:

  • Put the kids first. Christmas is a time for children to enjoy themselves and have fun, and not feel torn between their family
  • Planning and good communication are the key to the success of Christmas. Children will feel happier if they know what is going to happen in advance
  • Take a fair approach over Christmas with your ex and their family. Children need continuing contact with grandparents, aunts and uncles from both sides of the family
  • If you aren't spending Christmas Day with your children, suggest having your own special day on a different date
  • If you can, talk to your ex about what you are buying so you don't end up with a disappointed child and two frustrated parents who have bought duplicate presents. You may even want to agree on a set budget so you avoid competing with your ex
  • Make the time special and try and make the most of the situation. An ex having the time with your children is important, and can also give you time off to see friends and recharge your batteries
  • As your kids get older, they will want to be involved in the planning and may want time to do their own thing as well.

WHO TO CALL

Parents and carers struggling with contact can call Parentline on 0808 800 2222, or contact the e-mail helpline parentsupport@parentlineplus.org.uk or visit the website below.

A useful booklet - Putting Your Children First - is available to download from the DfES website. Also visit the Resolution website to get more tips on coping at this time of year.