YET another funeral. Uncle Mark this time.
Whilst dutifully reflecting on the deceased’s lifetime, I couldn’t stop myself thinking if there’s some sort of season ticket I could apply for at the crem. Such is the frequency of my attendance these days, surely there’s some sort of bulk discounts that could apply?
Even by the modest turn outs I’ve been used to in my family this one was almost sanctimonious in its modesty. 8 in total. That’s including the baby.
Still at 98 I suppose you’ve mostly outlived all the people you’re expecting to attend. Now I’m the master of polite excuses (or lying whichever way you chose to look at it), but as polite excuses go you have to concede it’s a pretty strong one.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t come to your funeral only I’m dead”
“Oh really?”
“ Yes, last year actually. Brief cold, off me food for a couple of days and then that was that. Game over. Pegged it during Coronation Street.”
“Dodgy ticker?”
“Funnily enough no. Total collapse of vital organ functionality. So I’m told.”
“That Ken Barlow’s at it again I see….”
Highlight for me was undoubtedly the magnificent rendition of Transport Of Delight drifting out of the crackly hi fi speaker system by the incomparable Flanders and Swann. Giving an added zing to phrase Swan song.
This momentarily rocked the certainty I have for my own preferred choice of exit music, namely the closing theme tune (not the opening one) for Dad’s Army. You know, the one where they march along with the caption underneath reading “You Have Been Watching”.
But that brief flirtation was cast aside in the cold light of day and reason was duly re-instated soon enough. And I’m having none of this celebration of life nonsense.
It’ll be back to my gaff in suburban Colchester for embarrassed conversation over slightly curling crab paste sandwiches and people trying to slope off early with the pathetic excuse of roadworks on the A120 as they turn down another slice of Banana Cake desperate to leave.
I’m a man of tradition at heart.
Comments: Our rules
We want our comments to be a lively and valuable part of our community - a place where readers can debate and engage with the most important local issues. The ability to comment on our stories is a privilege, not a right, however, and that privilege may be withdrawn if it is abused or misused.
Please report any comments that break our rules.
Read the rules hereLast Updated:
Report this comment Cancel