THERE are no words to describe how it feels to lose a child to stillbirth, Louise Roland says, as she pauses to reflect on the five days spent with her daughter at Colchester Hospital’s Rosemary Suite.

Ixora-Louise was born on September 2 last year.

Louise had had a faultless pregnancy and was in love with everything about being a first-time mum.

Her partner of 12 years Kavell Coatman had wanted a child before 30 and as if blessed by fate, the couple received the good news on his birthday.

Even Ixora-Louise’s name was carefully planned.

It was a nod to Kav’s Jamaican heritage as a flower which grows plentifully on the island, meaning ‘flame of the woods’.

“I’d gone through 36 weeks of pregnancy and everything was perfect; we were planning our future,” said Louise.

“So to then be told out of nowhere that future has just been shattered.

“You can’t even put it into words.

Just days before Louise, 28, stopped feeling any movement from her baby, she had been planning her baby shower and busying herself with preparations for the nursery.

When Ixora-Louise stopped moving, Louise went to the hospital to be told the devastating news her baby had died.

After being induced to give birth, the couple waited at home for 48 hours until Louise went into labour.

A post-mortem examination on Ixora-Louise was unable to determine a cause of death.

It numbed the heartbroken parents.

Gazette:

A treasured family photo kept on an SD card donated by charity 4Louis

Louise said: “That was probably one of the hardest days when we found out there was nothing wrong with her, or me.

“It was equally a hard decision to choose whether to have a post-mortem or not.

“I didn’t want anyone looking at my little girl but at the same time, if they found anything, the information could help my future pregnancies, or research for other children.

“They found a tiny bit of fluid on her lung but the doctors were unsure of the exact time Ixora passed, so wasn’t sure when the fluid occurred. It was so confusing.”

Time seemed to stand still as they came to terms with what their terrible and sudden loss.

But Louise said the care they were shown by midwives at the Rosemary Suite, a bereavement suite for mothers and their families at Colchester General Hosptial, has prompted Louise a year on to host a special Teddy Bear’s Picnic.

The heartfelt family fundraiser takes place at Wivenhoe House, on September 10, in aid of charity 4Louis, which provides memory boxes for parents.

Everything will be bear-themed with games for children and adults alike, a petting zoo, competitions only the fairest teddies of them all can win, music and a life-sized bear roaming the gardens.

Families can also enjoy a Sunday roast at The Brassiere or afternoon tea, both by reservation only, or bring their own hamper for a picnic.

Louise said: “From day one, I knew I wanted to do something to give back to 4Louis.

“ I can’t even express it in words but it just meant so much what they did for us. At the time my mind was all over the place.

“The last thing you’re going to think about is taking a lock of your baby’s hair.

“All the memories in the box that the charity provides, like the handprints and footprints, I wouldn’t have thought of doing anything like it.

“They seem so little but they mean everything to me and Kav because they’re the only memories we have of Ixora besides the days we spent with her and me being pregnant.”

She added: “The Rosemary Suite is also beautifully decorated in such a way it doesn’t seem like you’re in a hospital.

“It’s not in the slightest bit medical and far away enough from the main maternity ward we could feel comfortable.”

The couple, who met when they were 16 and 19 when Kavell was a gym instructor, will never get over their grief, but chose for it to not stop them trying for another baby.

Louise and Kavell, 31, from Colchester, are now expecting their second child this month and the baby will be at the Teddy Bear’s Picnic with them.

“I couldn’t believe how quickly I fell pregnant again considering how I was feeling as well,” she said.

“Although we don’t know when the baby is due because I’m being induced, it could coincidentally be on Ixora’s birthday.”

She added: “I’m quite a spiritual person and since this has all happened, I’ve become so connected.

“And as scary as it sounds, well, not to me but other people maybe, although it’s been heartbreaking and horrendous, I don’t think I’ve ever felt as much peace as I have this year.

“I meditate most days and I feel so connected to Ixora and I can get into this really peaceful state which I was never able to before, so I feel as though she has given me this gift.”

The full event details can be found on Facebook by searching: Teddy Bears Picnic.

To donate to 4Louis and help Louise reach £1,000, click here.

If you have been affected by the loss of a child, go to Sands - the Stillbirth and Neonatal Death charity - at uk-sands.org.