I’m throwing you a lifeline here. You’ll thank me for this. It’s your official get out of jail card free card.

You really will thank me. Trust me.

There is a particularly vivid scene that Charles Dickens paints of the Bob Cratchitt family at Christmas.

I am singularly acquainted with this as I’ve been describing it in my Christmas Carol show every day for the past three weeks.

To say that the joy and happiness depicted in The Cratchitt household is fulsome would be somewhat of an understatement.

This is Christmas where the fun never stops.

Underpinning their Christmas rituals is the extraordinary idea that not only do they all like each other but they all talk to each other as well.

It certainly wasn’t like that in the Roberts family at Christmas when I was a lad.

Awkward silences to a backdrop of uneaten and unappetising dates which were put out every year only to be thrown away with maybe two missing in January (thanks to uncle Keith) was the order of the day.

In my book all this liking and talking nonsense amounts to cheating.

The only weapon we had to mask the lethal mixture of shared antipathy, boredom and rumbling bitterness was parlour games.

Parlour games! Thank God for parlour games.

They were therefore taken up with an alacrity and enthusiasm which completely belied the utter banality of the whole sorry party.

We ran to those parlour games messianic fervour.

What better way to avoid any meaningful conversational or any genuinely emotional engagement than all sitting round trying to think of Shakespearean characters beginning with F.

It was like a heaven sent get out a jail free card.

We could all sit around trying to remember how many objects were placed on a tray rather than having to talk to each other.

And it is in this spirit of Christmas that I graciously offer you my Yuletide quiz as your lifeline, your last resort, your secret weapon against the unimaginable horror of having any type of meaningful conversation with your family.

The moment you sense someone about to broach the subject of how you actually are, rather than the meandering discourse on Colchester traffic problems, you can whip out your local paper and suggest we all do the Anthony Roberts Christmas quiz.

That will keep the wolves at bay.

But being me, I can’t just make it straight forward. In this quiz – I give the answers and you have to guess the questions.

Quiz

1. Answer: 15th March 1976

Is the question:

a. When was Benedict Cumberbatch born?

b. What day is officially ranked the most insignificant day in history?

c. When did Anthony Roberts lose his virginity?

2. Answer: 42

Is the question:

a. How many times have I watched The Godfather?

b. What’s the answer to meaning of life, the universe and everything?

c. Is there a precise number of times you like to punch your computer when it doesn’t work?

3. Answer: Eric Morecambe

Is the question:

a. What do you think of it so far?

b. What’s the point of Christmas anyway?

c. If I had to marry someone other than Abi Roberts who would it be?

4. Answer: Rotate it twice to the right and pull

Is the question:

a. How do you solve a problem like Maria?

b. When was the last time you had sex?

c. How do I cancel Amazon Prime?

5. Answer: Yes, but only with Ann Widdecombe

Is the question?

a. Have you ever considered joining the foreign legion?

b. Will Prince Charles ever succeed to the throne?

c. Is there life after death?

6. Answer: You try and stop me

Is the question

a. Will you be taking your usual naked sea swim on Christmas Day?

b. Will you manage to get through Christmas without murdering at least two relatives?

c. Will you be signing up to Amazon Prime by mistake?

7. Answer: 17,542

Is the question:

a. How many pubs are there in Wivenhoe?

b. How many passwords have you got?

c. How many times have you lied to your doctor. In one visit.

8. Answer: Colchester Zoo

Is the question:

a. What’s Colchester’s top tourist attraction?

b. What’s Colchester High Street like at 2am?

c. Have you ever been to a full council meeting?

9. Answer: Locked in a room with Simon Cowell

Is the question?

a. Where and when were you happiest?

b. What became of the tattered remains of your dignity?

c. How will Susan Boyle be spending Christmas?

10. Answer: Standing up in a hammock

Is the question

a. What’s more relaxing than Christmas afternoon with your nearest and dearest?

b. What’s the most adventurous exercise you attempted in 2019?

c. Is the anything easier than cancelling Amazon Prime?