If these two words appear to you as random references to stone and marine life you may wish to alight now. If however they conjure a glimpse into pop history and a famous aircraft then here’s a story for you.

Once upon a time there was a little boy called Tony.

Tony was born and brought up in Watford and the distinguishing thing about Tony was that there was nothing at all distinguishing about him.

He was average at school, he was average at football, he was average at University and left the institution with an average degree and no idea of what he wanted to do.

Average Tony had had a few girlfriends but none of the girls hung around for long and every single one of them dumped him when something better turned up. Which frankly wasn’t very difficult.

Average Tony became a carpark attendant in Watford and started going prematurely bald.

Eventually he joined the decorating team at a small arts centre in London. He was average at decorating so when the paint ran out because there was nothing else available they put him in the publicity team.

And the surprising thing was that average Tony was actually very good at writing press releases. He busied himself in this mundane task.

Eventually some kind people who ran a redundant church in Colchester took pity on Tony and offered him a desk there.

After 20 years of pen pushing something truly remarkable happened. Average Tony fell in love with a beautiful girl and despite all his averageness and his now completely bald nut, she loved him back.

Completely unable to believe his luck he has been an adoring slave ever since. But even all his pathetic and simpering acquiescence hasn’t put her off.

Last week, Tony surprised his now wife, by taking her on a surprise trip to Paris to see her favourite band the B-52’s. On the Eurostar. The encore of Rock Lobster was loud and brilliant and good.

Some gift. The impartial observer might conclude that such a fantastic idea would now qualify average Tony to do nothing more at all, ever, for rest of the marriage. If truth be told he’s quids in. Let’s just celebrate his truly magnificent gift and pat him on the back.

I mean what’s she ever done for him? Let’s be honest. Average Tony has done good. His wife should maybe get off his case when the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded and give him a break.

Average Tony now writes an average column for his local newspaper.