A SON who killed his mother after pushing her off a care home balcony claims he lost control because of the pain she was in.

Robert Knight admits killing his mum June Knight, 79, by pushing her from a balcony of Langley Lodge Nursing Home in Imperial Avenue, Westcliff but denies murder.

He claims he lost self control.

The 52-year-old, of The Fairway, Leigh, told Basildon Crown Court: “She couldn’t speak for herself anymore, so I felt responsible to articulate her pain for her.

“A lot of the signs that she was in pain, I was very familiar with, having lived with the same condition myself. Her facial expressions, her breathing, I knew a lot about them, having seen them for so many years.”

Both Mr Knight and his mother suffered from ME.

He continued: “The nurses’ demeanour felt almost dismissive.

“I thought if I could get a doctor to see her, he could override the nurse and get her on morphine.”

He added: “At 5.30pm, when I came to leave, I thought she was in a worse state than she was at 2.30pm, and I was shocked then.

“I felt abandoned, I wasn’t in control of the situation.

“I was working that evening. I wish now I had cancelled that class.

“I should have stayed with mum.

“It was that afternoon that the thoughts really became very dark inside my head.

“Helping mum to die, it was an absolutely horrible thought, I recoiled away from it. I thought I couldn’t do that.

“It was not a plan, but when you have thought that thought it becomes very difficult to un-think it.”

Knight told the jury he was “even more horrified” when he arrived back with his mother.

He added: “I was just standing there trying to absorb it, and it was horrible.

“She was very, very bad, worse than before.

“I remember playing her The Carpenters, she had reacted positively to it before, but I got no response.

“I raised the bed, and I reached out and picked her up.

“At that moment I was overwhelmed, I thought I couldn’t bear to see her suffer anymore, I couldn’t let her go through another night like this.

“As I was holding her, the music was still playing on my phone. I thought it was mocking her, and had to turn it off.

“I picked her up again and made my way out of the room. At that point, I just had to get to the end of a tunnel and make it quick, to make sure the suffering would be over quickly.

“After, I felt utterly horrified.”

When questioned whether throwing his mother from the balcony could have increased her suffering, rather than killed her, he responded: “I wasn’t doing a rational weighing up of the situation, it was pure desperation. My mind was in turmoil, I was overwhelmingly sure that the distress was horrible for her.”

“When I was told she was alive, that was the most horrifying thing.”

The trial continues.