HA! A doppelganger! I knew it. I spotted him in the Colchester Library last week. The Colchester Library no less.

Do they seriously think they’re going to get away with this?

Here’s the way I see their fiendish plan developing.

They surreptitiously infiltrate their substitute Anthony Roberts’ into public places.

These highly trained operatives then engage people in seemingly spontaneous casual conversation and before we know it, bingo! We’ve been annexed by Chelmsford.

Oh, the chat starts off innocent enough. “Library seems busy today….”, “Coffee machine still not working….” Etc etc.. But this ostensibly benign conversation opener is just a ruse. Just you wait.

Without doubt the questioning will soon take a bizarre and much darker turn. “Long waiting list for the Secret History of Chelmsford by Paul Wreyford this week I see….” Then the killer follow-up “Have you read it?”

Even a cursory look at the sleeve notes will send a shiver down the spine of every true Colcestrian.

“This book does not focus on what you already know about Chelmsford, but what you don’t. See the county town of Essex in a new light.”

In a new light? Do they take us for fools? This brazen recruitment drive, this manifesto for a new Essex, this catalyst for insurgency in our midst.

Is it really so long ago that Lord Haw Haw’s callous propaganda was floating across the airwaves and into our very homes?

Some people see danger in the greater diversity throughout our town and county. They are wrong.

We should be suspicious of those who look most like us, not least. Should you see anyone who remotely resembles yourself you should rugby tackle them to the floor. And scream treachery.

I have therefore and with a sense of very grave responsibility thrust upon me, done what it seems history has made a calling upon me, reluctantly, so to do.

I have set up my own Home Guard.

We shall meet at the church hall (Colchester Arts Centre) on Tuesday evenings after Mrs Pickering’s dance classes have ended.

I shall be Captain. Bring your rake.