• It's conflict, confusion and bedlam as politicians party

As Colchester’s politicians break for their holidays, I’m told each party held a summer “do” for the members.

We all know these events are a social minefield. What to wear? How much to drink? Who to avoid and whose ear to bend?

Based on rumour, speculation and fibs, I can report the following: The Labour Party used a community park. They provided a hog roast with bitter for traditional party members and a bar to serve wine and canapés for guests drawn from the so-called intelligentsia and art sector. Suitable refreshments were arranged for their refugee friends away from the hog roast and alcohol.

Apparently, in the middle of dancing to their theme song “My Way”, a bunch of radical Young Socialists gate-crashed the party and headed for the food and drink. Then a punch-up broke out following heated exchanges over the Iraq War and Trident missile renewal. The cries of “keep it comradely” went unheeded. The migrants, who had already experienced enough conflict, made for the exits.

The Lib Dems hired a church hall. The cycle racks overflowed. They danced to hits from the European Song Contest after which they held a short quiz called “Name our MPs”. The first prize was a glittering tour of Colchester’s night-time economy. Runners up could take a tour of Colchester - old, new and dilapidated.

The last hour was called “The Good Old Days”. Fortified by home-made quiche and real ale, they went into reflective mood and watched film of party grandees addressing congress. After being woken up at 10pm, they made their merry way home chanting their new slogan “Brussels, we’ll be back”.

The Conservatives eventually found an undeveloped field to set up their marquee. The SOS bus was on standby to assist those who became tired and emotional.

The evening opened with a self-mocking quiz game called “Tory gaffs and broken promises”.

Unfortunately, whilst stomping away to the Maggie Tribute Band, they didn’t hear a convoy of travellers pitching up next to their cars.

They became aware when a council officer arrived after the travellers complained about the noise from the party.

The organisers decided, in the spirit of fostering good relations, (and to avoid controversy) to invite the travellers to join them. Reports of how the evening panned out are confused and sketchy. Following a review, it was decided to hire the Moot Hall next year.

Ukip arranged a coach trip to Clacton for a traditional day at the seaside.

Wearing Brexit T-shirts they enjoyed drinks on the beach and (rather ironically) made for the takeaways for pizza, kebab, curry and bratwurst.

The Greens organised a ramble to Friday Woods, picked blackberries and sat down for a protest picnic under a MoD red flag.

Of course this is all fictional. Councillors work hard and are entitled to let their hair down. Some clearly have a sense of humour.

We can tell that when we consider some of the ideas they come up with. One doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Nick Chilvers Canwick Grove Colchester

  • Pesticide fears

Once again, your farming correspondent has used his column to lament the current moratorium on the use of neonicotinoid seed treatments.

These pesticides are widely believed to be harmful to our important pollinating insects, bees, and other wildlife.

Peter Fairs claims average yields of oil seed rape are “very low” this year and it is almost certainly due to the “massive numbers of insect pests” in the crops.

He claims neonicotinoids are “the most effective control measure available” and implies that without them yields would be much higher.

There maybe a dip in the yields of oil seed rape this year compared to last year’s very high yields. OSR yields were above the ten-year average in 2015, a year when the ban on neonicotinoids was also in place.

But the presence of cabbage stem flea beetle larvae is only ever one factor, and depending on the time of year their presence may or may not influence yield.

Other factors always have to be taken into account and this year higher instances of verticillium wilt (a soil-borne fungal disease), excessive rain, and lack of sunshine have been cited as contributing to the yield dip.

Four years ago Rothamstead Research, the longest running agricultural research station in the world, concluded that developing better monitoring, trap cropping and biological control would “offer a far greater prospect of achieving long-term sustainability of oil seed rape production” than insecticides such as neonicotinoids.

Last week France announced that it was moving on from the two-year EU moratorium on the use of neonicotinoids and would ban them completely.

The UK government should do the same, although to date its position has always been against the ban.

Roger Mainwood Belle Vue Road, Wivenhoe