REGULAR readers of my column in the newspaper may be aware of my battle with the powers that be to get rid of that annoying strap that sits beneath my name and gorgeous bonce!

‘Keeping up with the D’Arcy-Joneses’ has rather negative connotations for me.

Yes I have a posh name and of course I don’t regard myself as working class, but I’d like to think I’m a man of the people.

I don’t lord it over everyone saying, hey look at what my family are doing, aren’t we so much better than you, and I personally think placing ‘Keeping up with the D’Arcy-Joneses’ above my column might give off that impression.

And who wants to keep up with me anyway.

I drive a battered old Mondeo Estate, which on any given week almost certainly does a hundred miles with all the clubs I have to ferry my children to. I live in a semi-deatched house on a semi-respectable street. I don’t have Sky Television (mainly because the Beautiful Wife won’t let me!), and I only drink at the weekends, if I don’t have to be up early on the Saturday or Sunday.

Unfortunately, despite my pleas, the strap still remains.

I’ve been told it’s amusing, like my column used to be when I first started - rude!

I was also reminded that going away for six weeks to Australia and New Zealand probably didn’t help my cause in trying to create this unaspirational kind of image that I’m obviously going for.

So I thought, to hell with them. If they want aspirational, I’ll do something that will really make people jealous. Make readers want to be just like me.

I will write a play and get it put on in London. So I did, and it has!

It’s called In Search of England and it opens on Sunday above a pub in south London, where all good London Fringe Theatre should take place.

I should point out (in that I can be show-offy now) that In Search of England is not my first play. I’ve written two other plays, both for children, the first a sequel to the Tempest, which was performed on an actual island, and then a play about World War One called the Battle of Lilac Lawns.

This is my first proper grown-up piece and to say I’m excited about it would be a huge understatement.

Now try keeping up with that then.

No, I seriously would love you to because I if you’re going to have an aspirational column you might as well use it to really inspire people.

Essex University, along with the Mercury Theatre in Colchester have just launched the Essex Playwriting Competition and they are looking for burgeoning playwrights to submit their work.

People like me, who perhaps have been dabbling in playwriting for a while now. People who have been writing plays all their lives. But perhaps most excitingly people who have never thought about writing a play before.

Perhaps someone who read this column and thought ‘hey if that joker D’Arcy-Jones can have a play on in London, then why not me’.

Exactly, why not you!

It’s just if you do make it the National Theatre or the Royal Court or the Old Vic, then don’t foget who got you writing in the first place, thank you very much.

NEIL D’ARCY-JONES

For more information on the Essex Playwriting Festival go to www.mercurytheatre.co.uk/get-involved/mercurytalent/playwriting-competition/

What My Kids Said This Week: “Why don’t you write a play about a Wizard? People like Wizards!”